Season 2, Episode 8: Best Laid Plans

Written by Lisa Melamed
Transcribed by Jen Oyama

Previous storyline: Charlie was accused of arson following a fire at Salinger's restaurant...now that his wedding day is drawing near he finds himself in a different kind of "hot seat." Julia wants to be friends with Justin but finds that he's still angry about Griffin, who she had an affair with.

Scene 1: Charlie's room.

Charlie is trying to write his wedding vows.

Charlie: (to himself) What is a wife... On this day, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Nice going, ace. You're getting married, not retiring from baseball. Kirsten, I...

Kirsten: What, sweetie? (sees what he's doing) You having a tough time?

Charlie: No, not really. I've got some good ideas. I just wanted to be...(Julia enters, weeping, and hugs Kirsten)

Julia: This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read in my entire life.

Kirsten: I asked her to take a look. You know, check the grammar.

Bailey and Claudia burst noisily into the room.

Julia: You guys, you've got to read this.

Bailey: Read what? (they read Kirsten's vows) Wow. Why aren't you marrying me?

Claudia: (crying) If anyone ever said anything that romantic to me, I would just faint. Right on the ground.

Charlie: What is this. (Kirsten grabs the paper away)

Kirsten: Absolutely not. You'll hear it during the ceremony and not a minute before.

Claudia: Boy, Charlie. She really loves you. I mean, the part about...

Julia: Don't! I'm going to start crying again. (Charlie sighs; Claudia, Julia and Kirsten leave)

Charlie: Where's that collection of quotes? I know we had one.

Bailey: It's downstairs. You can't come up with a minute's worth of wedding vows without cribbing off of somebody?

Charlie: Would you just get me the book and be quiet?

Bailey: Yes, sir. God, what's so hard about 'I love you and want to be with you forever?'

Charlie: (to himself) Yeah. What's so hard about it?

Scene 2: High school parking lot.

Julia and Bailey are in the car.

Julia: Are you bringing anybody to the wedding?

Bailey: A date? No. You?

Julia: No. Griffin never would have come anyway. He probably doesn't even own a tie.

Bailey: Sarah's going to look great. She's going to walk in, she's going to look great, and she's going to be with Will. It's bad enough I have to see them here every stupid day. They're so...in the halls, in the lockers, in the cafeteria...parking lot. (goes to class)

Julia: Justin! Hi.

Justin: I'm late for gym.

Julia: (laughing) Since when does that matter. Hey, listen. You know what's Saturday? The Sophie B. Hawkins concert. Remember we bought tickets three months ago...those great seats? I thought maybe we could...

Justin: What. Go together? What's the deal. He's out of the picture and so you're running back to me? We're supposed to go together like nothing ever happened?

Julia: No, no that isn't...I was going to ask you if you wanted my ticket.

Justin: (coldly) Yeah, sure, what the hell. You have it on you?

Julia: It's at home.

Justin: Okay, well, I'll pick it up later. (walks off)

Julia: You're welcome.

Scene 3: Salinger kitchen.

Dudley: Remember the best birthday party you've ever been to, with like a...I don't know, a really great clown or something?

Claudia: (with mouth full) A clown? Got milk?

Dudley: Well, whatever. That's kind of what a bachelor party's like. Only, uh...

Claudia: Only what?

Dudley: Only eight or nine more years and we'll actually be able to finish this conversation.

Kirsten: (on phone) No, no, of course I'm not mad. Just get back to bed and I'll check on you tomorrow. I love you too.

Claudia: Kirsten, what's the matter?

Dudley: Charlie cancel the wedding on you?

Kirsten: That was my sister. I can't...she has an ear infection. She can't get on a plane at least until Sunday.

Claudia: So. She'll be here for the wedding, right?

Kirsten: We were supposed to spend the night before my wedding together. You know, just spend some time. Bond like we did before hers. It was going to be this tradition. (Claudia leaves; Kirsten sees Dudley's alcohol stash) Hold it. Hold it, what is this? The hangover brigade?

Dudley: Well, a good scout's always prepared.

Kirsten: Okay, scout. Raise your right hand.

Dudley: Why?

Kirsten: Do it. Now, promise me you're not going to get him drunk. You're not going to bring porno films. I don't need Charlie comparing me to that. Oh, and you are not going to hire some stripper who wants to coax him into one last sleazy hurrah.

Dudley: Oh, well, why don't we just hold it at the public library?

Kirsten: I'm not kidding, Dudley. Swear. On your grandmother's life.

Dudley: Not Nana...all right. Okay. I promise. I swear. (Kirsten leaves) Bailey. Just the person I wanted to see.

Bailey: What's up?

Dudley: A little problem. Kirsten just made me promise that I wouldn't be responsible for anything too out there at the party tomorrow night.

Bailey: Oh, man. Bummer, huh?

Dudley: Here's the interesting part. She didn't say anything about you.

Scene 4: Salinger hallway.

Julia: Here, I found it.

Justin: How much do I owe you? 25?

Julia: You don't have to pay me. I don't want you to pay me. I'm giving it to you.

Justin: Forget it. I don't want to owe you anything.

Julia: What are you talking about? You wouldn't...

Justin: Uh uh. I'm not going to let you buy your way out of feeling bad.

Julia: I'm not. What am I supposed to do? I said I'm sorry. Justin, I'm just trying to make things better between the two of us.

Justin: Well, I don't want things to be better. Because you know what I've figured out these last couple months? We don't need to be friends. I don't need you.

Julia: Fine. If that's how you're going to be, don't let me offend you by trying to do something nice for you. I'll just go to the concert.

Justin: Hey, wait a minute. I already invited Robin Barrett.

Julia: Yeah, well tough.

Scene 5: Charlie's room

Bailey: Guess when they schlep in folding chairs it's official, huh? So I don't know if Dud told you or not, but I'm in charge of this bachelor party thing now. And, all systems are go. I mean, it's going to wild. It's going to be...(laughs) And if you have any special requests, you know, stripper-wise...

Charlie: Bai, um, would you hate me if I asked you to bag this party?

Bailey: Bag it. How come?

Charlie: I don't know if I'm going to have time. I've got to pick up my tux, I've got to go to the travel agent...gotta finish writing these vows. The truth is, I've got to start writing them.

Bailey: And...and you don't think that the sight of a half naked woman dancing around a hotel room would inspire you? (laughs) It'd inspire me. Cheers. All right. So what part are you stuck on here. The forever thing? The 'death do you part' part? I know, it's the 'forsaking all others' stuff. That's what's throwing you.

Charlie: No it isn't.

Bailey: Oh wow. I was just kidding. You're really sweating this.

Charlie: I am not.

Bailey: You shouldn't be. You shouldn't be...I mean, it's Kirsten. You're not going to do any better. She's it, Char.

Charlie: I know that.

Bailey: So then what's the problem?

Charlie: There is no problem. I'm fine. It's fine.

Bailey: Are you sure? Because...I can go...I can call the hotel and cancel it and let Dud and the other guys know about it...

Charlie: (unconvincingly) No. I want to do it. Really, this is going to be great. We're going to do it. Party's on.

Scene 6: Kitchen.

Claudia: Bai! Bailey!

Bailey: Yeah.

Claudia: It's for you. Something about confirming a stripper.

Bailey: Oh, that's...we're getting the house repainted! But you knew that.

Claudia: Um hmm. Now I'll tell one.

Bailey: Hello. Yes, yes it is. Great. (to Claudia, who's trying to listen) Excuse me. (to phone) No, I'm still here... (Claudia goes upstairs)

Claudia: Almost ready?

Kirsten: Just about. (to Charlie) She was so cute offering to fill in for Meg tonight. She bought massages for us, she rented movies...

Charlie: Oh, uh, did you talk to the photographer? There was a message.

Kirsten: I asked him to come half an hour early. Did the florist ever call back?

Charlie: Not yet. Make sure the machine's on.

Kirsten: You're going out already? I didn't think the party was until later.

Charlie: Yeah, but I'm going over early to work on my vows.

Kirsten: Okay. Have fun tonight. (they kiss) And try to be home on time just to get a little bit of sleep.

Charlie: Gotcha. (Kirsten rushes out, then rushes back in)

Kirsten: We're getting married tomorrow, Charlie. Is that something or what?

Scene 7: Sophie B. Hawkins concert.

Julia is walking down the aisle, looking for her seat.

Julia: Excuse me. (louder) Excuse me!

Justin: Sorry. (both watch the concert)

Julia: I love this song.

Justin: I hate it.

Julia: Justin, this was our song.

Justin: Exactly.

Scene 8: Hotel.

A woman dressed as a cop approaches Bailey.

Honey: You Bailey Salinger?

Bailey: Yeah. This? (holds up beer) Oh, this isn't my beer. This is my friend's. I was just holding it for...

Honey: Relax. I'm Honey. The entertainment for the bachelor party?

Bailey: Oh, hi.

Honey: Hi.

Dudley: Bailey. Everything...everything cool?

Bailey: Yeah. Everything's cool. Everything's cool. It's just... Honey, this is Dudley and Neil and Neil and Greg.

Guys: Hey.

Dudley: Howdy. You're the stripper?

Honey: I prefer sartorially challenged. (walks off)

Dudley: What does 'sartorially' mean?

Neil: Naked.

Dudley: (in elevator) So, you got the tapes?

Bailey: Got 'em.

Dudley: Booze?

Greg: That's it?

Bailey: Nobody'd sell to me. I was lucky I talked some guy at the Sip and Shop into buying this.

Neil: Geez, how pathetic.

Dudley: Yo officer, are you going to read me my rights? I'm hoping you can and will hold it against me.

Honey: Oh, like I've never heard that one before. (guys laugh; elevator suddenly comes to a stop)

Bailey: Uh oh.

Scene 9: Hotel room.

Charlie hears two people noisily making love in the other room.

Charlie: Oh, this has got to be a joke. (knocks on the wall) Very funny, Dudley. Dud, that you? Oh god. (goes into hall, sees a woman crying outside the door)

Monica: It's my husband. I'd introduce you but I think he's busy.

Charlie: Oh, man. I'm sorry.

Monica: We just got this new answering machine and I guess he didn't know that if you pick up the phone it keeps taping. (sobbing) Oh, it's a hell of a way to find out, don't you think? I don't know what I'm doing here. If I knock on that door...

Charlie: You want to, um, talk? I'm just...I'm right over here.

Scene 10: Salinger house.

Kirsten: Claudia, listen to me. It wasn't so terrible. Where's that heating pad? Is it in here?

Claudia: I swear it said 'healing massages' in the yellow pages. I mean, how are we supposed to know how to say 'stop torturing me' in Romanian?

Kirsten: Believe me, I'm learning it before I go back there again. Could you put the news on? I want to hear what the weather's going to be like tomorrow.

Claudia: (fiddling with the radio) Uh, in a minute. I want to talk.

Kirsten: Please god, don't let it rain. Oh. I bet the pad's upstairs.

Claudia: Wait wait wait wait.

Kirsten: What? What's going on?

Radio announcer: Requests and dedications. The next song goes out to Kirsten. With love, from Claudia. ('If you want to be happy for the rest of your life' comes on)

Claudia: Surprise!

Kirsten: That's so sweet! What song is this?

Claudia: (listening closely) It's the wrong song, you stupid jerk!

Kirsten: Well, you're not too sentimental, are you.

Claudia: Hey, I said play something romantic.

Kirsten: Oh, I know you did. I'm sure you did. (laughs) It's funny, Claud. I mean really, it is. Come here. (picks her up and they dance around)

Kirsten and Claudia: (singing) If you want to be happy for the rest of your life...

Scene 11: Sophie B. Hawkins concert.

Sophie B. Hawkins: Thank you very much. We're going to take a little break...we'll be back in a minute. (audience applauds)

Julia: Ow. That was my foot.

Justin: (tonelessly) Sorry.

Julia: Are you?

Justin: You know what. I'm going to go find somewhere else to sit.

Julia: Do you have to be this mean to me all the time? It's not like things have been great for me lately either.

Justin: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah. Okay, well I would have sent you a card, but Hallmark doesn't make one...'so your boyfriend's in prison.'

Julia: Justin.

Justin: What!

Julia: Isn't that your dad? (Justin turns and sees his father, who's sitting with a young woman)

Justin: What's he doing here? Who's that woman?

Julia: Justin...

Justin: Son of a bitch...

Julia: ...maybe this isn't what you think.

Justin: Well what did it look like to you? Look like a business meeting? Because that's what he told my mom.

Julia: Wait. Don't go yet.

Justin: No no. I gotta get out of here, okay?

Scene 12: Elevator.

Honey: Open spaces. Wide open spaces. A big field.

Neil: (on phone) Uh huh. Thanks. They're still working on it. They said not to go anywhere.

Greg: Everybody's a comedian, huh?

Bailey: Julia's at the hottest show in San Francisco. Claud and Kirsten are out getting massages. Will and Sarah are probably giving each other massages. Was it something I said?

Dudley: You know, you'd probably be a lot more comfortable without that jacket.

Honey: Yeah, right. Like I'm want to plummet to my death in pasties.

Neil: Here, you need this more than I do. (Honey guzzles the beer)

Dudley: Don't look at me. You hired her.

Bailey: Yeah. For the party that never was. Look at us. We're stuck here, and Charlie is sitting alone inside an empty hotel room. Trying to find something to watch on Spectravision. Bored out of his mind.

Scene 13: Hotel room.

Monica: (crying) It's that new woman at his office. Every day he comes home and says how funny she is. Or it's the girl at the drycleaners. I know she always flirts with him. What is the room number next door? I'm gonna call.

Charlie: Monica, that's not a good idea.

Monica: (shouting) No, I have to find out who she is. What if I know her? What if she's someone that I know? What if she's beautiful? I bet she probably is young, and beautiful...I used to think...used to...I could be attractive to a man. Maybe not at this second, but...do you think someone could find me...

Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Monica: I'm sorry. Am I keeping you from something?

Charlie: Nah, just this bachelor party. Supposed to be. I'm surprised everybody's not here yet.

Monica: Is it a good friend of yours who's getting married?

Charlie: Yeah. Um, pretty close. Why?

Monica: There's a bar in the lobby. Maybe...can I buy you a drink?

Charlie: Sure. I'm up to that.

Scene 14: Hotel room.

Honey: Come on! I've got to pee like a race horse.

Dudley: Well, the lights are on, but nobody's home.

Neil: Hey, I'm starving. Anybody up for room service?

Greg: It's weird that they're not here.

Neil: I wonder where he is?

Dudley: I don't know. Maybe he's out getting some air?

Neil: Maybe he's out getting some.

Bailey: (to himself) No. No way.

Scene 15: Hotel bar.

Monica: (drunk) I'm trying. I'm trying, but it doesn't make any sense. What is he looking for up there? Apart from the obvious.

Charlie: I don't know. I've never met him.

Monica: Oh, come on. You're a guy. Help me out.

Charlie: Maybe he's scared to be with one person. Maybe the idea of that, for the rest of his life...I mean that's...that's big.

Monica: I swear I don't get that.

Charlie: Yeah, well I don't get needing 75 pairs of shoes.

Monica: Oh, yeah right. They're exactly the same. What is wrong with waking up next to one person who you love for the rest of your life? Is it like there's some cosmic scorecard, 'he who's racked up the most before he dies wins?'

Charlie: I don't know.

Monica: Well...how many women have you slept with?

Charlie: Excuse me?

Monica: I'm sorry. Listen to me. I mean, we've only known each other for what...20 minutes?

Charlie: Thirty.

Monica: Minutes or women?

Charlie: Um, both, actually, more or less.

Monica: Thirty. Do you even remember all their names?

Charlie: I'm not a hundred percent sure I knew them all to start with.

Monica: Ah...

Charlie: You asked.

Monica: Okay. Okay, but if you were to meet the right woman, the perfect right wonderful woman...you could give all that up, couldn't you?

Charlie: Guess I'd have to.

Monica: Yeah, well, not according to my husband. Hey, you know that friend of yours? The one who's getting married?

Charlie: What about him?

Monica: Tell him he better mean it. Tell him if he's going to stand up in front of God and everyone and promise to love someone forever, he better make sure he's got all that other crap out of his system. Tell him I said so.

Scene 16: Salinger living room.

Kirsten: So, what's our feature presentation for tonight, Miss Salinger?

Claudia: It's 'An Affair to Remember.'

Kirsten: Ah. Excellent choice.

Claudia: I never heard of it. But at the place they said it was good. (starts tape)

Kirsten: Claudia, where did this tape come from?

Claudia: From the video store. (both begin turning their heads sideways) What's that?

Kirsten: (getting up) You don't want to know.

Claudia: I can't believe this.

Kirsten: I bet whoever got our movie is saying exactly the same thing.

Claudia: I ruined everything. This was supposed to be your great, special night, and every stupid thing I did, it just...what's the use of making plans. They're all just going to get messed up.

Kirsten: Hey, sweetie. Sometimes the best things happen that way. Like how I ended up here. I had five interviews that day. And I could have gone to any one of them. Except my car wouldn't start. I got a job, I met all you guys, then I fell in love. I'm getting married tomorrow because this was the one interview that I could walk to.

Scene 16: Coffee house.

Julia sees Justin sitting alone.

Julia: Hey.

Justin: What are you, following me around?

Julia: No.

Justin: Stupid bar up the street wouldn't let me in.

Julia: Good. So, what are you going to do? Um, are you going to say something to him?

Justin: I don't know. I don't...I don't want any crummy excuses or lies or...no. I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this with you.

Julia: Justin, you should talk about it. Talk to me.

Justin: About screwing around? Why don't you go have that conversation with him? You guys have that in common.

Julia: Can't you stop being angry for like five minutes? I want to help you.

Justin: Gimme a break, okay?

Julia: I do. Look, just forget about last month, okay? I mean, you and I...we've always been...when my parents...you were the first one I called.

Justin: I know that.

Julia: Listen, I'm here and I care about you. And you shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Justin, who else are you going to talk to about this? C'mon. (tries to take his hand, but he pulls it away)

Justin: No, I can't. You and me, we're not friends. We're not anything.

Scene 17: Hotel lobby.

Bailey is trying to find Charlie.

Bailey: About six feet. Uh, long dark hair, kind of the scruffy beard thing going on. With a woman, maybe. Okay, thanks.

Monica: (at bar) I should charge this to his room. That'd show him.

Charlie: It's on me.

Monica: No. I kept you from that party.

Charlie: I want to. I don't want you thinking that all men are pigs or anything.

Monica: I knew I met you for a reason. (they walk to the lobby desk) I...I don't want to go back there right now. He's probably wondering where I am! Good. Well, I think I'm going to get a room and crash. I'll be Scarlet O'Hara and worry about it tomorrow!

Charlie: I think that'd be a very decent plan.

Bailey: (at bar; still searching for Charlie) Just now? Okay, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Monica: So Charlie. We're friends now, right?

Charlie: Sure. You bet.

Monica: Then, maybe you won't mind if I ask you a small favor? Would you sleep with me? (Charlie laughs disbelievingly) A, I think you're really cute. And two, I think what I need to do right now is to even the score. To level the playing field. I mean, isn't there that expression 'turnabout is foreplay?'

Charlie: I think it's fairplay.

Monica: Whatever. (cut to a disillusioned Bailey, who finally spots them. He follows them to Charlie's hotel room, which bears a "Do not disturb" sign on it when he gets there)

Scene 18: Hotel room.

The guys are watching 'An Affair to Remember.'

Neil: No. Oh no. He thinks she's not coming.

Greg: She got hit by a car...that's why she's not there?

Neil: How could he not hear the siren? It's her ambulance! I can't take this.

Neil: (at table, playing strip poker) So are you in or are you out?

Dudley: Call. What do you got.

Neil: Um, two pair.

Honey: Ha!

Dudley: The house is full.

Honey: But not that full. Straight flush. Da da, da da, da da. (enter Bailey)

Dudley: Oh hey...maybe that's uh...somebody else.

Bailey: Can I talk to you for a second?

Dudley: Excuse me, you kids go ahead.

Bailey: I saw them. I saw them getting a room together.

Dudley: Huh. I guess Charlie decided not to go so gently into the good night after all.

Bailey: What? Do you think this is funny?

Dudley: No, I just...no, no I don't.

Bailey: Well, who is she, do you think? Do you think it's somebody that he knew? Somebody that he met down in the bar? Somebody that he picked up in the gift shop buying magazines?

Dudley: I can't even begin to guess.

Bailey: You know, I did this. I dragged him here. There was something going on with him. I knew that, and he was trying to tell me, but no. I had to throw him a party...in a hotel with women and beds...I just...just...I walked him right into it!

Dudley: Bailey, listen to me. You didn't anything. Your brother's an adult. He did this.

Bailey: Yeah, well, he expects me to stand up for him tomorrow? Be his best man and make some toast congratulating the happy couple? Forget it. Forget it, I won't.

Scene 19: Hotel room.

Monica: You're nervous. That's sweet. I am a little too. You'll be the first one in a long time. Other than what's his name. Other than Stuart. (they kiss)

Charlie: Monica, no.

Monica: No, it's all right. I want to.

Charlie: Only because you're drunk and you're hurt and pissed off...

Monica: Come on. You don't even have to remember my name tomorrow. How's that.

Charlie: Look, I'm sorry.

Monica: Why? I'm not good enough to be number 31 on the Charlie list?

Charlie: Are you kidding? A year and a half ago, me and you in a hotel, it's...it's all I would have been thinking about.

Monica: But...

Charlie: I've kind of been using you. You know, to figure something out.

Monica: Well, I've been using you too. So we're even.

Charlie: I'm in love with someone. Kirsten. Her name's Kirsten and I don't know why I didn't say anything. I should have. And you know before, when you asked me if I could give up other women...the truth of it is, I didn't know the answer to that until just now. But...yes. No matter how beautiful and how tempting, the answer is yes.

Scene 20: Backyard.

Justin is outside Julia's window, throwing stones at it to wake her up. Julia sees him and goes outside.

Justin: Did I wake you up?

Julia: It's okay.

Justin: All right. Here's the deal. This...this does not mean that we're friends, okay? I mean, uh, tomorrow, we're still...I need you, okay? So I was going to tell her, my mother. I got home and she was up. She's sewing. I mean, it's something that she just does late at night, who knows why, but...and his car's there. In the driveway. He's home already. He's home...he's asleep. I mean, he goes out with this whore and then he comes home and he sleeps in their bed! I gotta tell her.

Julia: I don't...I don't think you should.

Justin: But her husband is cheating on her! This is some...she needs to know this!

Julia: Yeah? But maybe what's going to happen is your dad's going to realize who he's supposed to be with. That it was dumb to go out looking for someone different or better or more exciting or whatever he thinks. Maybe he's going to figure that out. That he was with the right person all along to begin with. And that trying to be with someone else is just a big mistake.

Justin: Is that what happened with you? With us?

Julia: I don't know.

Scene 21: Hotel hallway.

Charlie is walking down the hall. Sees Honey, and goes to his room.

Charlie: Feel like I missed a real good party.

Bailey: Yeah. There were some real highlights. Let's see. Uh, we got stuck in the elevator for who knows how long. The stripper never took her clothes off...we brought the wrong videos. And, oh. Oh yeah, I saw you go into a hotel room with a woman. Who, wouldn't you know, isn't the one you're marrying in ten hours.

Charlie: You saw us.

Bailey: Yeah. When you didn't show up I went looking for you.

Charlie: The woman, um, Monica, caught her husband cheating on her in there, next door. And I found her in the hallway falling apart, and you guys were God knows where, and she asked me to keep her company. So we went and we had a drink and we talked...

Bailey: Right. Come on, Charlie. I'm not an idiot, okay? I saw how you were yesterday. I saw you freaking out about your vows. All that 'forsaking all others' stuff. You went to a room with her. You didn't just talk.

Charlie: We just talked. And yeah, something could have happened. Pretty easily. I mean, she wanted something to happen. But I didn't. I have Kirsten and I don't want anyone else. End of story. (goes over to bed)

Bailey: Finished writing your vows?

Charlie: I can't come up with anything.

Bailey: You just did. Really, what you just said...that pretty much covers it.

Charlie: Okay. Thanks.

Bailey: Look at you. You're this grownup. This man. This married man. I wish they were here to see all this. Well, maybe they know. I hope they know.

Scene 22: Salinger living room.

Kirsten is standing outside Claudia's tent dressed in her wedding gown.

Kirsten: Claud? (Claudia unzips tent)

Claudia: (softly) Wow.

Kirsten: I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd do a little dress rehearsal. What do you think? (enter Julia)

Julia: Wow. Kirsten.

Claudia: There's a piece I play. An andante from Mendelsohn's fourth. It's the prettiest music I know. That's what you look like.

Scene 23: Salinger's restaurant.

George is vacuuming late at night.

George: Charlie.

Charlie: Hey George. I didn't mean to scare you.

George: I just wasn't expecting you, that's all.

Charlie: Yeah. I just, uh, needed to be someplace quiet for awhile. To clear my head. Waxing the floor?

George: Uh huh.

Charlie: Shiny.

George: Thank you.

Charlie: Want to take a little break? Have a cup of coffee...sit awhile.

George: You're the boss.

Charlie: Yeah. I'm the boss. I'm the boss, and kind of the dad...a couple of hours from now, I'll be the husband. If I had a clue how to be even one of those I'd be happy. (pauses) There was this woman tonight. Last night, whatever it was. She wanted me to go to bed with her...and she was pretty and needy. Always a good combination, right George? It felt like this test, you know? The snake offering the apple, that kind of thing. And I said no. So if it was a test I passed it. Which means I ought to be feeling pretty good about it now. So, let me ask you a question. How come I still feel like I want to run away someplace? How come I feel like I can't breathe? How come it feels like someone's got their fist around my lungs?

George: I don't know.

Charlie: Yeah. I don't know either. (digs in his pocket) Got a quarter? A nickel, anything? (George tosses him a coin) Thanks. This is it. Heads I get married. Tails...(flips coin) Huh. How about that. Best two out of three. (flips coin again)
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