"I think your rude" (Holly talking to Bailey after they were introduced)
"Got milk?" -Bailey
Claudia to Charlie (regarding her knowing about his and Kirsten's problem): I sleep in the dinning room, remember?
Claudia to Charlie: (not exact but pretty close.) What if you don't find anyone else? Then you won't have a kid and you won't have Kirsten. And that would be so stupid, Charlie. That would be the stupidest thing you've ever done!
Bailey: You want me to stay? Why? So you can look at me like that all night?
Claudia (ordering a bra): It's not for me, it's for my little sister. She definitely needs something with room. C? No, I don't think so. A? Well, maybe A-?
Kirsten (crying): I don't know if this marriage is going to work,
Charlie: Why? Because I leave bills on the kitchen counter?
Charlie: If it wasn't my kid, why did you come to me?
Pam: Because I remembered what you were like. I figured you'd just give me some money and send me on my way.
"Because I saw the look on your face when you found out that Spencer wasn't yours." -Kirsten, explaining to Charlie why their marriage isn't going to work if she can't have kids.
"I have two words for you, Kirsten cash bar." Bailey
Kirsten on the phone w/her mother...
I've gotta go. Someone's at the door. I mean it mom. No, I'm not just saying that to get you off the phone. I love you too, mom. (hangs up but still talking into the phone) Occassionally I'd like to murder you but I'm hoping that'll pass.
Bailey talking to Justin while trying to avoid listening/talking to Will
his trip to Europe:
Bailey: I imagine if you're into history it would be very...
Claudia telling Charlie off:
I get stuff, I get stuff like 'you're to young to understand' is just a lame excuse for not telling me how you screwed up.
Kirsten explaining to Charlie why she postponed looking at wedding
"...share joy and happiness?!? I'm not experiencing either of them at the moment and I certainly don't have any to share."
Bailey to the girl Will set him up with (after seeing some performance
I hate to break it to you but that...that is not art. I _have_ seen art and _that_ is _not_ it!
Claudia asking Julia for advice on men: (the bathroom scene)
Julia: ..but you don't know any men.
Claudia: Oh right. Good point by you. Thanks for cutting through my question and finding a way to insult me...it's just...I'm getting older now. I need someone to look up to and answer all my questions.
Julia: I'm sorry. I should be more sensitive. Okay?
Julia: So what do you want to know?
Claudia: Can I go to the bonfire with you?
Julia: No *laughs and walks away*
The fridge scene (Bailey and Will and the groceries):
Will: Oh gee, how could you ever forgive me I merely get one of the cutest, funniest, smartest girls I know to go out with you.
Bailey:That's not the point. That's not even remotely the point.
Will: Why don't you hang me up by my little finger nails and shoot me...oh, what a miserable friend I turned out to be.
Charlie finds Kirsten in the kitchen (in the middle of the night):
Charlie: What are you doing?
Kirsten: *picks up a letter* Ed McMann, addressed to you, probably should toss it 'cause it'll just end up laying around. You'll think about sending it in, but you won't. And then it will still be here. It's only going to irritate me, so I should just throw it out...you do that, you know.
Charlie: It's four o'clock in the morning.
Kirsten: But you're happy with all this little piles of sticky's with you handwriting on them...all these little "Charlie Nests" that end up laying around whereever they end up.
Charlie:What are you talking about?
Kirsten: I'm scared.
Charlie: Because I leave junk mail on the counter?
Bai and Will on the plane trip home from the college visit:
Will: Will you at least cough so I know you haven't lapsed into a coma?
Bai: *motioning towards front of plane* I'm trying to watch.
Will: It's "Free Willy" Bai. It has a happy ending. You'll hate it.
(the flight attendant stops by with the drink cart)
Bai: I'll have a scotch
*gets a "yeah right and pigs fly" look*
Bai: Got milk?
When Bailey returns to school and bumps into Sarah in the hall:
Bai: You read my horoscope?
Sarah: Well, yeah. It's not like I drew up your charts or anything. I just read it in the paper.
(Parapharsed) When Justin reminds Julia of the story when they were in the 8th grade and their families went on vacation together to the San Diego Zoo. Julia hit Justin on the chin with the seesaw and she cried and was worried that he would never trust her again: "I was just thinking about that."
Justin (to Julia): One big bang and it's all over.
Person on the phone with Justin: He's always going out places and coming back
with strange excuses for it. I think he might be cheating on me.
Justin: I think you're right.
Claud (to Kirsten): Ever heard of dibs?
Griffin: I live by a simple rule: Don't tell other people what to do and they won't tell you what to do. It's worked pretty well.
Claudia: We're always together for the bad things. Just once, I wanted to be together for a good thing. Just once...
Sarah: I guess it's all my fault, huh? I mean, if someone follows you around like a puppy, what else can you do but tell them to go fetch?
Sarah: I'm doing it because I'm in love with you, you jerk!
Justin (seeing Bailey after Sarah tells him she likes him): What bit you, man?
Bailey: Hey, I've got an idea! Find someone who's getting married before you
and see if you can borrow their flowers! No one'll know the
Charlie: Bai, you are either out of your mind or that is the most brilliant idea I have ever heard.
Kirsten (wearing Mrs. Salinger's wedding dress): I think it's a little too big.
Griffin (reading the magazine quiz): If you had sex every time you thought about it, how many times would you have sex each week? (turns to Julia) Got a calculator on you?
Griffin (to Julia): Put out that fire yesterday? You kind of left in a hurry.
Claudia: Lip-lock alert!
Julia: Claud, on your home planet, did they ever teach you to knock?
Julia: Just so I'm clear on this, no one's home, right?
Griffin: Can we do it in the morning?
Julia: Do what?
Sarah: Does it hurt? (referring to Bai's black eye.)
Bailey: Not enough.
Bailey: I'm scared. I'm scared because I can do terrible, terrible things to
Sarah: Yeah, well I could have told you that.
Griffin (to Julia): Well, I mean, you are a virgin, aren't you?
Julia: Would you stop saying that word?!
Kirsten: Is that what you're afraid of? Are you afraid of turning into your
Charlie. No, I'm afraid of not being as good as him.
Sarah: Why did you have to be such a jerk, huh? Why did you have to turn out to be such a jerk?
Bailey: I almost took something away from her and I know how that feels because someone once took something just as important away from me.
Sarah: I think....I really think...that everything's going to be alright.
Bailey: When someone is gone from your life for a really long time, you start to forget stuff about them. Like, you forget what their voice sounded like, and how they loved you so much, and how everything you did was completely okay with them, and how that meant, in a weird way, that you could actually do amazing things. I'm not a very good student, and applying to college isn't so easy for me, so right now, what I am doing is I'm trying very hard to remember my mother's voice. Because I really need to hear it now. I'm listening for her to say to me what she always used to say: Anything's possible, Bailey. Anything.
Griffin: Oh yeah, I love you.
Will (about Sarah): She's driving me crazy.
Bailey: Me too.
Julia: God, 1991 was an excellent year.
Bailey: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
Kirsten: Either you love me enough to marry me today, right now, or we split up. So that's it, I guess. Now or never.
Will: Under the circumstances, is it, like, OK for me to say that this is the best shrimp I've had in my whole life?
Will (about him taking Sarah): I guess I could get all mad at you, but then I'd be out of a girlfriend, and a best friend.
Julia: Is the ceiling spinning over there?
Julia: Oh. Well, it's spinning over here.
Julia: Oh my God. (about 7 times)
Julia: I lost my hair-thing somewhere, and I was wondering if you'd maybe
Justin: OK, new rule. Whenever one of his comes over to the other's house, the excuse has to be at least plausible. You may as well have said, 'I'm here to fool around.'
Julia: I'm here to fool around.
Kirsten: If Charlie was here, he would...well, I guess I'm not the best person to say what Charlie would do.
Charlie: God, Claudia, when did you become so incredibly cruel?
Justin: Forgot my hair thing. :)
Jody: (to Charlie) Did you know that you are extremely good looking?
Claudia (drunk): Look, Charlie, I know you're going to have a lot to say about this, and I know it's going to take a long time. But right now, I've really got to throw up!
Charlie: Kirsten, I love you.
Kirsten: I love you, too, Charlie. Maybe if we're both lucky, that'll go away.
Claudia (about quitting the violin): I'm finally normal. I finally have a best friend, like normal kids. And if you think for one second that you can take that away from me, think again!
Claudia (with violin CDs): OK, this stuff needs to be exchanged for Hole,
Hootie and the Blowfish and...Foo Fighters?
Jody: Basically, anything by someone who hasn't been dead for the past 200 years.
Justin (to Julia and Ally): You know, you two haven't compared feminine products in your two countries yet.
Kindergarten teacher: They have to be potty trained.
Charlie: Can we make that appointment late in the day?
Ally: Julia, do you think about girls? Because I think about you.
Kirsten: Claud, the way to deal with me having a personal life is not to ruin it! Got it?
Charlie: See, Owen, I'm on my potty. Making poo poo, making pee pee. And I'm so happy, and my family is going to be so proud of me! You want to try it? Hey, where are you going? (Claudia is standing in door.) What?
Claudia: So, are we, like, kind of breaking up?
Bailey: You mean like 1-900-HOOTERS? (Sara looks up.) So I watched some late night TV!
Justin (paraphrased): Remember that night after you taught me how to dance? I literally tripped down the stairs on my way out, I was so happy.
Sara: Is it just me, or was this on an episode of the Brady Bunch once?
Bailey: What is this? This isn't Kung Pao Chicken! Why can they never get the order right? Actually it's...(takes a bite) Actually, it's good. Never mind.
Bailey (to Sarah): You know, anytime you want to move on to the next stanza, I'd totally support it.
As Will begins to interrupt his new girlfriend, Gina, to introduce her to
Bailey and Sarah,
Gina: Oh my God! I am such a brain donor! You must be Billy!
Charlie: ...so Emily, I mean, Miss Schrader, what's her story? She's gotta
be what? Twenty five, twenty six?
Claudia: Oh no!
Claudia: You're amazing, Charlie, you know that? Look, you want me to quit smoking? It won't cost you a penny. Just stay away from my teacher!
Claudia: No, I mean it, the last thing I need is you making Miss Schrader miserable, which is exactly what you'll end up doing. You said anything within reason. Well, this seems pretty reasonable to me...deal?
Miss Schrader: And you're lucky to have someone like, Charlie, is that his
name? support you in this. Yeah, I had to go it alone. I mean, it's, it's
great that you guys are so close, even though there's this huge gap in your
ages...I mean he's gotta be what, mmm, twenty three, twenty four?
Claudia: Twenty five, actually...And if you're next question is whether he's seeing anyone or not, the answer is no, but that seems to change from minute to minute, so I can't really say for sure.
Miss Schrader: Claudia, we're talking about you!
Claudia: I've been around the block a few times on this one, Miss Schrader,so I can spot the symptoms. I'll put this in terms you'll understand...(goes up to chalkboard) Let's say "A" is the group of women Charlie has dated, in oh, the past five years. This is not to scale, it should be bigger. And "B" is a set of women whose lives he's left in shambles. "A" equals "B," Miss Schrader. Trust me.
Bailey to Charlie: Sure some people give 15%, others give evening
Bailey: That's a good idea, hold out for jewelry.
Claudia to Charlie: What's the use of dating Ms. Schrader if there is nothing in it for me?
Julia's comuputer teacher while grading tests: Yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yipper.
Miller to Julia: An A is still one of the three members of the A family group.
Charlie: Claudia! Ms. Shrader and I were just...
Claud: Having a parent-teacher conference?
Ms. Shrader: Right now, the only thing worse that you being in my classroom would be you being in my classroom smoking.
Ms. Shrader: Jody, you know the drill. I see your mom more often that I see my cat.
Will (about Gina): We decided to break up.
Sarah: Really! Really...
Julia (at antique place with grandpa): Just because something's from the past, everyone seems to think that it's so special and valuable.
Julia: Claudia! Claudia!
Claudia: What? Are you, like, on fire or something?
Robyn: So I will be dying across America for the next 6 to 8 months.
Claud: It's my fault for thinking people change. It's my fault for expecting much more out of a lot of the people in this family. I guess I wish once, just once, you'd surprise me.
Grandpa Jake (to Julia): You're just like your mother. You're as close as I'll ever get to seeing her again.
Sarah: So is this, like, the consolation prize? Lose a mother, gain a cat? I guess I should be honored. I mean, it's a guarantee that you'll come back. After all, you love your cat.
Sarah: I'm just so angry at myself for being surprised. I mean, people leave, right? That's what people do. They leave.
Bailey: Choose one word that best describes you.
Sarah: I can think of a few but I don't think they'll help you get into college.
"I know exactly what you're buying" Julia to Jake
"Why don't you just spit on mom's grave?" Julia to Claudia
"I meant that figuratively. You actually have a black book?" Kathleen to Charlie
"Because I know you will be back." Sarah to Bailey, and also her mom to Sarah.
"Fred has one, Barney has one, Betty is one of the main characters, so why doesn't she have a vitamin?" Bailey to Sarah
"Take this bike now, or I'll drop it." (Drop) Justin to Griffin (got to love Justin with the way he handled things with Griffin)
"Isn't it suppose to be the guy who comes to the girl's bedroom at dawn?" Justin to Julia
"She's in love with you, you idiot." Sean to Bailey
"What do you think? Do you want to put these in water or use them as kindling?" Sarah to Bailey
"Lemon branches and baby's, uh baby's breath. Just imagine the arrangement of rose there. A dozen red roses. If there were any roses left in the entire city of San Francisco." Bailey to Sarah
"This card is in Spanish!?" Sarah to Bailey
Bailey reading the card he got for Sarah, 'translating' it from spanish (paraphrased): She's smart, funny, beautiful, and, most of all, she's willing to forgive her boyfriend when he does mean and terrible things. Ole!
"I think I could fall in love with you." Kathleen
"I think you're great too." Charlie (great typical Charlie line)
"You want to know what our plans for Valentines Day are? We are going to the Monster Truck Rally with Will and Gina." Bailey to Sarah
"Farah. Don't you think I know that it rhymns with Sarah?" Bailey
"It also rhymns with Clara." Sean
"Get off my bed" Justin
"I wonder what she sees in you" Griffin
"Oh, shut up." Justin
"What do you think about getting engaged. I mean, getting engaged to get engaged to get married." Justin to Julia
"Oh so you dropped out of college?" Bailey to Sean
"Why don't you try having someone else in the drivers seat for once?"
"Because maybe you'll like it." Charlie
"Dot, dot, dot. Five. Five. Eight. Dot, dot, dot. The Vacuum Cleaners.
dot. dot." the guy reading poetry
"And that was Bob's rendition of the "White Pages"
Julia: I think you can love different people in different ways. Love is love. There are no rules.
Griffin to Julia: How could I come home and not say hi?
Justin: I could answer that.
Sean: Sarah! I haven't seen you in forever! How long's it been?
Sarah: 32 months....give or take.
Bailey (when Sarah wants to take Sean to the truck show, too): Your friend's
gonna have trouble getting tickets. Those things sell out pretty
Sarah: I find that pretty hard to believe.
Justin (about Griffin): Julia, this guy is a loser. He stole money from your brother and now he's trying to get you to help him break the law.
Griffin: Because I'm in love with you.
Sarah (wearing her new 'sexy' dress): So, this Leap Year thing, what do you
Bailey: Yes. To...absolutely anything.
Kathleen: I want to be part of your life. Even if it means meeting the kids,
eating leftovers over the sink...
Charlie: Woah, woah, woah, let's not glamorize this!
Bailey (about Kathleen): How'd she seem? She seemed...tall.
Griffin: Did something bad happen to you?
Julia: Yeah, something bad did happen. But it didn't happen 'to' me. I did it to myself.
Griffin: So I guess you got pregnant, huh?
Julia: You can tell?
Bailey: Is that what you're wearing tonight? I mean, you don't think
something else would be better?
Sarah: If I thought something else was better, I'd probably be wearing it.
Kathleen: Charlie, I did something so stupid...
Sarah: You can get up there in a black turtle neck and sing "Feelings" for all I care.
Griffin: Every time you live through a sucky day, you never have to live through it again. (Deep and profound, huh?)
Joe: It wouldn't make sense for them to boot us now. Look what you've done with this place. Your old man would be proud.
Julia to Charlie (about losing Salingers): I can't believe you did this. I mean, even you.
Kirsten: We're getting married, Charlie. We're getting married next week.
Kirsten (to Charlie later that episode): You son of a bitch!
Julia: We still have to pick a scene to perform in class.
Justin: You pick it. Anything's OK with me as long as I don't have to wear tights.
Julia: You can't go looking for problems when there are so many already.
Charlie to Kirsten: I'm taller than he is. (Michael)
Kirsten: There's air outside, right?
Kirsten: You said count to 50.
Kirsten: Always a bride, never a bride.
"We are just friends, and I sort of need one right now." Justin to Julia about his relationship to Cory
"It's a lot to give up, Bai." Charlie
"Actually, (looks around) not so much." Bailey (on giving up his money to save the resturant)
"I love you Charlie...but no, I don't think I can ever forgive you" Claudia to Charlie
"I've spent the last two years trying to keep this family together, so it doesn't make any sense that I would be the first one to leave" Bailey to Sarah on staying