Afterthoughts ~ Bye, Bye Love
Written by Isa
Set after "Bye, Bye Love" - What we could see in Bailey's face but didn't hear him say or
think.
I didn't wanna let her go. God, I didn't wanna let her go. Letting go of her arm, that was like separating our souls.
I know we said five days, and I know she promised she'd be back, but I knew in my heart that that was it.
Once she boarded that plane, I'd never see her again.
We both heard them call her flight, and we both knew the inevitable goodbye was facing us, sticking out its ugly tongue, mocking us.
"That's me," she said softly, the way she said everything. "I should probably..."
"Wait," we stand and I hold her arm, keeping the connection. "I understand why you're going." And I did. I guess I got the concept, just not the instance to leave now. "I would never stand in the way of something you want, ever." I meant that, I truly did, but God and everyone else knew I didn't wanna let her go.
"You could come with me."
If I was the average twenty year old, I could. But I can't. I work and I have Owen and all these feelings wanting to scream to get out with me.
She understands why I can't leave, wipes tears, promises she's going to call.
"You find what you're looking for Sarah," I say through small tears I try to hold inside. "Whatever it takes, I'll be there."
We exchange our last 'I love yous' and I kiss her. The softest, sweetest kiss we've had in ages.
She disappears down the walkaway, and I know this is it.
"Goodbye," I mutter, still watching the empty space, feeling her there.
I walk back to the parking lot, saying all the things I didn't say in my head. Don't you love me enough to stay? Are you going to forget about me? Don't I mean anything to you? Didn't I love you enough?
And then I remember what it felt like when my mother cooked on my birthday, or when my father actually smiled at me, at least pretending to be proud.
I remember what it felt like when I realized that I was like him, with the drinking.
And I know Sarah begs to find those things. She wants to know what makes her like them. Losing her mother makes this all the more difficult, I guess. And as I said before, I understand why she wanted to go.
But there's still a selfish part of me that would do just about anything to get her back in my arms, never to leave. And I know it's not going to happen.
*****
A week has passed now, and it isn't much better. Julia's writing her book, Owen's learning his math, Charlie's talking about babies with Kirsten, or so Claudia tells me. The Earth is turning and they're all continuing as though nothing's changed. That's because for them, it hasn't.
I'm the one who's lost, who's all alone.
And when I think about it, maybe it's for the best.
'Cause, if I'm not with Sarah, I don't wanna be with anyone.
I remember when Charlie and I had a talk before he almost married Kirsten the first time. He told me being "tied down" terrified him. That this was one thing he wanted but wasn't sure he could do. I told him he could, 'cause he loved her. He said loving her was all that mattered.
I think that's still true for them, and I think that's true for Sarah and I.
*****
I tell myself that someday she'll reappear in my life. Maybe she'll knock on the door and she'll have her hair cut and colour contacts. Maybe she'll have on a leather miniskirt and black lipstick.
Maybe she'll throw her arms around me and tell me she's back now, for good.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
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