Afterthoughts ~ Fear and Loathing

Written by Isa

Set after "Fear and Loathing" - Thoughts from Julia's head

When Justin said he was going to ask Laura to marry him, I wanted to sob, scream, beat him up and several other assorted immature things.

But really, what could I do?

What besides hugging him and telling him I love him would be suitable?

Nothing, so I did what my brain told me and let my heart's wishes fly South, something I realize I do a lot.

Justin is my best friend, and I want him to be happy. I guess that means being supportive and listening and accepting Laura's invite to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. God, I hope the dresses aren't half as perky as she is. I'm gonna be fine with all of this. I am.

I also wanna beg him not to go through with it.

I mean, I know that I love Justin. I always have and I always will. The thing is, I love Griffin too. And I don't know which one I really want to be with, which one is the perfect match and which is the best friend. Though I can't really imagine being friends with Griffin the way I am with Justin, maybe we're working our way there. Driving around looking for my editor last week, it was the kind of time together I think we needed. Now that I look back on it, it was more of a husband-and-wife thing than most of the stuff we did when we were still married.

It feels weird to admit that we're not married anymore. Sometimes I wish the entire breakup, everything with Ned and Evan, all of that stuff, that it was just a dream.

Dreams. Huh.

Thinking about Justin marrying another girl now, I remember how close he and I came to being married. I remember that Griffin and I were married, and I realize that while they're both, at least in a way, living lives without me, I'm alone.

I don't wanna be alone.

The thing is, I'm not ready for another ring on my finger yet, either.

I want the in between. The dating, the cuddling, the kissing, the relationship aspect. And you know what's strange? Talking with Claudia about her life is making me think about my life.

Everything just seems like it's going to explode and I'm gonna be the one covered in gunk.

Days have passed now. I'm home, alone, unemployed. I see that the only thing I need right now is a real friend.

A friend that's not my sister or my brother or my ex-boyfriend or ex-husband.

I need a friend who's only that. A friend who needs me.

And the sickest thing is that I've had that, twice, and both times I threw it away.

Claudia says that when she goes away to school, she and I have to keep in touch because she's still going to need me. I can't even comprehend her still wanting to count on me because it's only been in the past few weeks that whenever she needed me, I was there.

Another day has passed, and as I'm getting ready to take Owen to the dentist, I wonder why I stay here. I'm not happy here, I'm not wanted, and I'm certainly not--

"Julia!" Bailey came into the kitchen tying his tie and looking very flustered. "Did you happen to see where I put the phone number for that new head waiter?"

"It's under Owen's shoes by the front door."

Without questioning the oddness of its location, Bailey nodded and left.

"Jule!" Claud nearly collided with him as she bounced into the kitchen. "The black boots I loaned you are--"

"In Diana's room."

Victor comes in holding Diana, who's wearing a coat and hat even though it's way too hot in our house despite the cold outside. "I'm supposed to pick her up at Daphne's what time tomorrow?"

"Four," I spoke up since I was the closest.

Everyone runs past me again, leaving all in a jumble of muttered goodbyes and instructions for Owen. I get him to put his coat on and once we're in the car, he's quiet. Driving him to the dentist's office, I realize why I stay.

Because I want to.

Griffin asked me to go get a pizza with him just now. Okay, so he needs me to drive him, but I think it's much more than that.

We're trying to learn how to be friends. It's taken us two years, but we're finally getting it together, and you know something?

It's nice.

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